Learning from Mistakes in Marriage: Episode 2 Beyond the Fairytale: 10 Rules for a Marriage that Lasts
Barbara Rainey says there's an art to understanding your spouse.
Barbara Rainey:The real issue in all of these differences that we have in marriage, it's learning why did that affect her that way. And when you do that, that communicates love. It communicates I wanna know you. I wanna understand you. But it's not just figuring out what the rules are.
Barbara Rainey:Okay. I can't say that because that was a mistake. I can't say it, but it's moving beyond knowing what works and what doesn't work. It's not a formula. It's figuring out who is this person, what's important to this person.
Announcer:Welcome to the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever Thine Home. We're dedicated to helping you experience God in your home. Thanks for listening. You know, college football coach, Bear Bryant, said, when you make a mistake, there are only 3 things you should ever do about it, Admit it, learn from it, and don't repeat it. That advice can be good in marriage too.
Announcer:But, sometimes, figuring out your spouse or exactly what mistake to avoid isn't as straightforward as analyzing a football game. Dennis and Barbara Ramey are here with Bob Lapine, to help us think through some things related to marriage. In the last episode, the Rameys discussed the first couple of rules in their list of 10 rules. Today, they'll hit 2 more of those rules. The Rainey's know a little something about marriage, partly because they've been married since 1972.
Barbara Rainey:Not bad. Hard to believe though.
Dennis Rainey:It is hard to believe. We were just a pair of pups, starting out a number of years ago.
Bob Lepine:And you talk about the idea that marriage is not about happiness, you talk about marriage giving a man a chance to step up and finish growing up. And then you also talk about the rookie season of marriage.
Dennis Rainey:Did you have a rough rookie season as a husband? Well, ask the eyewitness. I think every man has a rookie season in marriage. I mean, I really do. Did Dennis have a rough rookie season?
Barbara Rainey:I don't feel like we had a really rough rookie season, and I don't really know why. I think we definitely had a rookie season. It was more than 1 year because I think that rookie season for us lasted until we had our first child, and then that was when things began to change because there was a a lot of pressure added to our relationship because of this person, this new person who needed me all the time, and he had to divide. He got divided attention for me all of a sudden, and that was when the real rub started in our relationship. But, yeah, I mean, he made mistakes.
Barbara Rainey:I'd made mistakes. We didn't know what we were doing. We'd never done this before, and we both made lots of mistakes in those first two years, which is what I would consider our rookie season.
Dennis Rainey:Some guys make their rookie mistakes early in the season in their marriage relationship. I witnessed 1 a number of years ago at a wedding where, the husband, as they were exchanging the cake you know how they'll take he'll take a piece of cake in his hand, and the bride will take a piece of cake in her hand. They'll intertwine their arms and feed each other.
Bob Lepine:The piece of cake. The piece of cake. That's a sweet moment.
Barbara Rainey:That was very romantic.
Dennis Rainey:Yeah. Symbolic. Right? Yeah. And this this rookie took the chocolate cake with the chocolate icing Yeah.
Dennis Rainey:And he smeared it Oh. All over the bride's face. Kind of
Bob Lepine:a playful move on his part. Right? Exactly.
Dennis Rainey:And then all over her shoulders Oh. And down her arms. And there were those watching as this rookie mistake occurred. You know, there there's places for your rookie mistake to occur, better in private than in public, especially within the first hour of your marriage, you know. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey:And, there were those who rushed in to assist the bride, not not the groom. There were there was He was on his own. There were some relatives that, I saw who took care of the groom. They wanted to take him out back and work him over, but the photographer walked up and began to minister grace, let's just call it that, to the bride who was crying Yeah. Wiping off the chocolate spirit all over her face and shoulders and and everything and kinda trying to bring things back together.
Dennis Rainey:And it wasn't long after that they headed off onto their their honeymoon, and I happen to know this couple, and I I know what the father-in-law did for the groom as they came back from their first part of their honeymoon they went on, there was a giant box. I don't know, 2 feet by 2 feet by almost 2 and a half feet high. K. Full of Popples. The the stuffing Styrofoam.
Barbara Rainey:Packing Styrofoam. Packing Styrofoam. Peanuts. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey:Packing. And What'd you call those? Popples? Is that That's what I called it. Okay.
Dennis Rainey:That's what that's a popular term that I use. Okay. That's right.
Barbara Rainey:I feel good for you. I just didn't
Bob Lepine:want anybody going to Google
Dennis Rainey:and looking up Popple and trying
Bob Lepine:to find out what that is.
Dennis Rainey:Well, anyway, this father-in-law had taken the package, and he had wrapped it in a package inside the middle of this box. So the son-in-law had to dig through all of the packing material Mhmm. Popples. Yeah. The Popples.
Dennis Rainey:And find the package, and then he had to get into the package and open it up. And there in the center of the package, as he opened it all up, was a fine goblet, and it had a note had a note from the father-in-law Yep. To the son-in-law. Yep. And it it basically, as I recall the story, read something to the effect, your bride, sloth my daughter, is like a fine goblet.
Dennis Rainey:If you treat her with care and with gentle encouragement and love, she will last a lifetime. Signed, I love you. And the father in law's name, I'm I'm sure he signed it dad or
Bob Lepine:Whatever. Right. Whatever. But it didn't say, PS, don't go smear no more cake on her ever again?
Dennis Rainey:It didn't. You think you got the point? I don't think it said that. Yeah. But, I think you got
Bob Lepine:the point. So would you look back and say there was a big rookie error?
Dennis Rainey:I would have to say if there was a rookie error that I repeated year after year after year in our marriage where it again, the principle is it's okay to have one rookie season. It's not okay to repeat it.
Barbara Rainey:Mhmm.
Dennis Rainey:What had to have been around scheduling, and as we had children, and of just underestimating how fast, how far, how long my wife could run with me. Would you agree that
Bob Lepine:this was a rookie mistake?
Barbara Rainey:Yeah. I would. And I I'm not sure that I would have phrased it quite as specifically, but I think that's a great illustration. I think it was failing to understand how different I was as a woman, and I think it's true for me too. I mean, I think it works for both the woman's side and the man's side.
Barbara Rainey:I mean, I've never lived with a man before, and so I'm learning about men by living with my husband who is learning about becoming a man. So that's right there is room for all kinds of mistakes. And he was learning about living with me as a woman. He'd never had a sister.
Barbara Rainey:Mhmm.
Barbara Rainey:He'd never been married before. He didn't know much about women. And I think his framework was, he expected me to be able to keep up with his pace. He expected me to think like he thought in certain areas. And that just took a long, long time for that understanding to go, oh, she really is different.
Barbara Rainey:Oh, she really doesn't see life the way I do. She doesn't feel the things that I feel. She doesn't whatever. I mean, I just think that would be our rookie mistake, was that understanding of our differentness is male and female.
Bob Lepine:Let me toss in some rookie mistakes from our family, just a few that I was guilty of that are right in the same vein where we just looked at life differently. In my family growing up, one of the ways you expressed affection to one another is you teased. You teased and you poked fun at people, and that was a way of saying, I really think you're special. K? Mhmm.
Bob Lepine:That did not that was not what I did not with Mary Anne? Was not on Mary Anne's frame of reference for how to express affection or receive affection is to be teased at. K? Here's another thing. In our family growing up, we were pretty much out in the open about kinda what was going on in all aspects of life.
Bob Lepine:So if I came down to the breakfast table, it would not have been unusual for my mom to say, I don't know if you know, but you have a pimple on your forehead. K? And I go, oh, thanks. Right? So when my wife comes down to the breakfast table, and I go, I I don't know if you know, but there's a pimple on your and she cries.
Bob Lepine:She cry I thought I was being helpful. Helpful. And she cries. These are rookie mistakes you don't wanna repeat over and over again.
Dennis Rainey:No. You've gotta learn from your rookie errors, and then you gotta say, you know what? It's okay to have one rookie season. It's not okay to repeat it.
Barbara Rainey:It's not only learning from your rookie mistakes to not repeat them, but it's also learning why did Mary Anne cry when you said that? What what was it about that that because you were trying to be helpful. So it's not really that what you said was in and of itself wrong, but it was how she heard it. And to me, that's the real issue in all of these differences that we have in marriage. It's learning, why did that affect her that way?
Barbara Rainey:And when you do that, that communicates love, it communicates, I wanna know you, I wanna understand you, and maybe you get to the place eventually where that stuff doesn't bother her anymore and maybe you don't, but it's not just figuring out what the rules are. Okay. I can't say that because that was a mistake. I can't say it, but it's moving beyond knowing what works and what doesn't work. It's not a formula.
Barbara Rainey:It's figuring out who is this person, what's important to this person. Right.
Bob Lepine:Getting to the heart of
Barbara Rainey:the issue.
Bob Lepine:Not just having Exactly. Not having a checklist to do's and don'ts for marriage
Barbara Rainey:Right.
Bob Lepine:But understanding, I know how you think so I can begin thinking for. I yeah.
Barbara Rainey:Don't wanna go there because that's hurtful. And I think most young couples walk into it and say, okay. Tell me the 5 things I need to do. Mhmm. Because we all approach relationships.
Barbara Rainey:We approach life that way. Tell me the things that will work so that I can do them so that I can avoid pain, so that I can have a happy marriage or whatever.
Dennis Rainey:And the verse we should have quoted a bit earlier is first Peter chapter 3 verse 7 where it commands husbands, husbands, live with your wives as a fellow heir of the grace of life in an understanding way so that your prayers may not be hindered. And the challenge here is to get out of your own self and realize marriage is about 2 unique people becoming 1. That's what we're commanded to do in Genesis chapter 2 verse 24. The 2 shall become 1, and you're not gonna become 1 without thinking of the needs of the other person.
Bob Lepine:I'm I'm still learning. There's there's one I'm I'm that's still fresh for me. Okay? And it's this. If we've talked about something and I think we've concluded we've reached a decision, I really need to verify that that she agrees we have reached
Barbara Rainey:a conclusion.
Barbara Rainey:Laughing because we've been there and done that. Yeah. We still
Bob Lepine:because I'll be moving ahead with something, and and Mary Anne will say, I didn't realize we had decided this. And I will say, well, I thought we'd talked about this.
Barbara Rainey:Will you tell Mary Ann that she and I are thinking on the same page? Because I've said that so many times.
Bob Lepine:She will say, we did talk about this, but I didn't think we decided
Dennis Rainey:in your mind.
Barbara Rainey:Talking about it and deciding are 2 different things.
Barbara Rainey:No doubt. Yes. And talking about it
Bob Lepine:talking about it. You still may not have decided.
Dennis Rainey:Alright? Well, that's close to be a rookie mistake. Close to let's move on
Bob Lepine:to, another one of the rules about marriage you're not gonna learn in school. This is for engaged couples, and this one comes from the Velveteen Rabbit, Barbara.
Barbara Rainey:Mhmm.
Bob Lepine:What is this rule?
Barbara Rainey:Well, the Velveteen Rabbit is a children's story, and it's about a little bunny rabbit that is a new gift to a little boy. And it lives in the nursery, and it becomes the little boy's favorite toy. And at the end of the story, the rabbit has been well loved. And the way we know the rabbit has been well loved is because it's, all its fur has been loved off and one of the button eyes is missing, but it's still even though it's not as cute as it was at the beginning, it's still a little boy's favorite toy. And so that's the illustration that backs up rule number 4, which is it takes a real man to be satisfied with and love 1 woman for a lifetime.
Barbara Rainey:And conversely, it takes a real woman to be content with and respect 1 man for a lifetime.
Bob Lepine:Because we look beat up after a few years,
Barbara Rainey:isn't it? Yeah. That is the truth. We do look beat up after a few years, and you've gotta be committed to love and be committed to the relationship because there will be there will be ups and downs, and you will, lose some of your button eyes.
Dennis Rainey:Well and the culture sends these messages, trade her in. Get a better one. Yeah. Trade him in. I mean, you can find a guy who can get it.
Dennis Rainey:I mean, this guy's really slow about, you know, knowing how to care for your needs. And that's not what covenant keeping love looks like for a lifetime. It's 2 imperfect people who don't give up, but who are in the process of learning what it means to truly love another imperfect human being. And that's what this is getting at here. And and for most engaged couples, this is a process you start when you go through the engagement.
Dennis Rainey:You're gonna find out some things where you need to learn how to love and begin to to love them in such a way that you cast the fear out of them.
Bob Lepine:You, you have a habit of quoting famous theologians who aren't famous theologians. I'll quote sir Paul McCartney who's not a famous theologian, but he said, Will you still need me? Will you still feed me when I'm 64? And that's what we we don't think about being 64.
Barbara Rainey:When we're standing at the altar.
Bob Lepine:Yeah. We we don't imagine the 64 year old versions of ourselves. And if we did, we would probably run away in fright, but that's a part of what, we're pledging to one another. When I'm 64 or 74 or 84, I'm still there, and I'll still need you, and I'll still feed you.
Dennis Rainey:Yeah. And it's enrolling in a in a lifetime school of love, and it's it's realizing you're never gonna graduate. You're not gonna get out of the school until a lifetime's walk is over, either, by the death of 1 of the 2 of you, but it's that you're gonna take the hard lessons that you learned, and you're gonna you're gonna grow through them, and you're gonna love the other person, and you're gonna realize sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 3 backwards, and you just don't quit. And someday, you'll be like we are. You'll wake up some morning, and go, can you believe we have been married for 4 decades?
Dennis Rainey:I mean, that's a long time to love one another. But I can tell you this, I really wouldn't wanna start over. I mean, there's so there's so much of life, of the adventure, of shared experiences that Barbara and I have enjoyed over our lifetime in creating a family of 6 kids, 5 of whom are now married, 19 grandkids as of today. Got some more coming, we think, in in the future. But that's the payoff.
Dennis Rainey:That's the great benefit of not quitting in a relationship.
Bob Lepine:Thinking about the Velveteen Rabbit, I had a pastor friend who dared me to tell this joke, so I'm gonna take the dare. Okay? He said that a man and his wife were sitting down at the breakfast table in their sixties one day, and the husband said to the wife, sweetheart, when we were first married, he said, we lived in a dumpy little apartment. We had a beat up old car. He said, but it's alright, because I went to bed every night with a 23 year old babe.
Bob Lepine:He said, today, we got a beautiful home, we got a nice new car. I'm going to bed with a 60 year old woman. He said, I don't think you're holding up your part of the bargain. To which the wife said, sweetheart, if you wanna go find yourself a 23 year old babe to go to bed with, I guarantee you, you'll be living in a dumpy old apartment, driving a beaten up old car. There is something about do you think we could get away with that?
Dennis Rainey:I don't know. We'll we'll see who writes us on that one.
Bob Lepine:But there is something about recognizing that, you know what? We're going the distance together, and we're gonna love one another in spite of the flaws and the imperfections because that's the assignment God's given us.
Barbara Rainey:Mhmm. And it's worth it.
Bob Lepine:Yeah.
Dennis Rainey:It really is worth it. And, I have the same friend. You haven't got the same one. I just want our audience to make note that I didn't take the challenge.
Bob Lepine:You didn't take the paper? And I did.
Dennis Rainey:And Bob did. I I read that, and I
Barbara Rainey:go, no.
Bob Lepine:I don't think so.
Dennis Rainey:You know, all kidding aside, I really have a passion for helping engaged couples, those contemplating marriage, start their marriage out with as much as is possible. Now, it's not totally possible because we're human beings, we have unrealistic expectations, but helping engaged couples start out with the right set of blueprints, so when when these things start coming at them, and life starts piling on, they know how to handle it. They can absorb the shocks of life because they have the biblical blueprints to build their marriage and family from. And, life has a way of throwing some tough circumstances at a couple over your lifetime. It's not gonna be love forever ever after with some kind of romantic warm fuzzy in your heart, for a lifetime, you're gonna have some challenging days.
Dennis Rainey:And when you do, you have to have the right blueprints, the biblical blueprints that you share together as a couple, and a commitment to the one who wrote those blueprints, Jesus Christ.
Announcer:That's wise counsel from Denis Rainey, his wife Barbara, and their friend, Bob Lapine. Hey, there's lots more wisdom for your family and home at barbaraney.substack dot com. For only $5 a month, you can subscribe to Barbara's friends and family and get the inside scoop on projects Barbara's working on along with special articles and letters. Be sure to check it out at barbararaney. Substack.com.
Announcer:And if you subscribe, you'll be able to listen to the rest of this series, Beyond the Fairy Tale, 10 Rules for a Marriage That Lasts. The next 2 episodes will be available to subscribers only. Thanks for listening today. Be sure to hit like on this podcast and pass the word on to others who would appreciate it. And we'll see you next time for the Barbara Rainey podcast from ever thine home.